He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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