remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
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better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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