You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
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There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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