I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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