HIV tests are more positive than that guy
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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