can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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