Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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