I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
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someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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