It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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