I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
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Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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