remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
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When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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