he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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