my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may now shotgun with the bride
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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