you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
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I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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