I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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