he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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