Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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