and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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