Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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