he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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