my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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