Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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