There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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