You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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