NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize