I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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