We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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