So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize