Umm I'm too high to move.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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