I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
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Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
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When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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