Jerry, you need to find god
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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