apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
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The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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