youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
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He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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