Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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