Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
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Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
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I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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