evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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