The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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