Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
