So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
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Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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