Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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