just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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