he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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