My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
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She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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