last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize