I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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