I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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