so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize