I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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