my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
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No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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