hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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