Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
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Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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